What if the only place I still exist is in my head?

what if?

I woke up again and I don’t understand why.

Why is a question useless to answer. A deadly spiral. A labyrinth where you can lose your mind.

Whatever answer you find to a why, endless why-s pop up demanding new explanations.

What if there is no explanation? What if, whatever explanation there is, it does not matter? What if that what matters has nothing to do with understanding the way we expect understanding to be?

Falling so deep shows me something I never knew about myself. The measure of my power, of who I am, of my potential. If I could go so far towards minus infinity, then I should be capable to go at least the same distance towards plus infinity. It is a possibility I cannot ignore, especially now when I have nothing left to lose.

What is infinity? Its definition in the dictionary brings more light to it than Math does. Expanding beyond.

Maybe I get it all wrong and I am not disintegrating. I am just extending beyond. Beyond of who I was not and beyond those parts of me that fulfilled their potential. In such scenario, this is, indeed, a crisis. I reached the highest point at which my level of interest and emotional response was achieved. This is the location where my depression unlocked the pain. It feels like an organ.

What is depression? What if it does not matter what or why is it? What if depression is not meant to torture me, but to guide me out of crisis? What if, it is my red flag, the best friend I never had? If I think about it, depression signaled this crisis long before it happened. What if depression is not a problem, but a vital part of the solution of my wellbeing?

How to awake or revive motivation when, flattened by genetic legacies, blind choices and a life that left nothing behind, my love for life faded away? What if I say a new prayer? Obviously, I lost my power to want naturally or maybe I’ve never had it. So, what if I need to build it?

I want to want.

I want to want.

I want to want.

What if is the only question that holds a promise. I need to believe in the existence of a chance. It would not be the second one as I always thought. If there is one also for me out there, it will be the first. It will be like an exotic flower. Sunny, colorful, hopeful.

My life did not even begin. Will it ever? What are the odds?

I am invisible. What if the only place I still exist is in my head?

I am invisible. What if the only place I still exist is in my head?

(excerpt from Camino del Sol)

#why #whatif #questiondepression #abyss #infinity #curiosity

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